A Few Imperfections
I have lazy ovaries. I have all of my eggs, but my ovaries don’t release them often. Most of my life, this has not been an issue. In fact, it’s been pretty sweet only getting my period once or twice over the course of a year! Though, literally having no idea when it will decide to show up next has always kept things sufficiently interesting.
But now things are different.
As if that doesn’t make things difficult enough, I also have complications from contracting HPV in my late teens. Before you get all judgmental on me, it should be noted that 85% of women contract HPV at some point throughout their lives. Majority of them won’t ever even know because their bodies flush it out on their own.
When Complications Arise
Some women, like me, suffer complications because of it, such as being at a much higher risk for cervical cancer. I will have to vigilantly stay on top of that for the rest of my life. Thankfully, it’s not a cancer that attacks quickly. If you are consistent and regular with your appointments, it should never get past the point of no return. So at least there’s that!
When I was first diagnosed, it was terrifying. I was a virgin – go figure. How on Earth does a virgin contract a sexually transmitted disease, you ask? Well, a cheating boyfriend and a few close calls ought to do it.
Since then, I have faithfully gone to the gynecologist twice a year for paps to make sure it’s all ok. I have had several colposcopies when the pap comes back slightly abnormal. This past summer, I had to undergo a LEEP procedure because things had escalated a little farther than we were comfortable with. Nevertheless, I remain cancer-free and on top of my regular screenings.
Side Note: the Procedures
I’ll explain what those procedures are, for those of you that may not be familiar with them:
- Pap smear – a simple swabbing that is tested for abnormal cells
- Colposcopy – a closer internal examination and a biopsy of the cervix
- LEEP – a wire loop with an electrical current running through that is used to remove the outer layer of the cervix that contains the abnormal cells while simultaneously cauterizing the tissue
Sounds fun, right?
Cue the Stress
Having these conditions leaves me in the unsettling territory of the unknown. I’m bombarded in my own head with unanswerable questions: Will I ever be a mom? How hard will it be to conceive? Curtis, Olivia, and I have a good thing going right now. Would adding a new baby rock the boat? Am I running out of time?
I should point out that I’m not at all trying to have a baby right now. But time keeps flying by and I’m definitely not getting any younger. I worry about it sometimes (I know, SHOCKER). I always pictured myself as a Mom. I feel like I’d be a good one! It’s easy to say when you have no kids of your own, but from how I’ve been and what I’ve experienced with my nieces, nephews, and Olivia, I think I’d be a damn good mother.
This is where my overthinking gets the best of me. I start to panic and stress over the fact that I have no idea what to expect from my life. So many people have told me to stop stressing about it and let what’s going to happen, happen. If I’m meant to have kids of my own, I’ll have them. If I don’t get pregnant on my own by the time I’m ready, go to the doctor and ask for assistance. If I don’t end up having kids of my own, be grateful for my amazing nieces, nephews, and Olivia and enjoy the adult-only time I have with Curtis. I KNOW ALL OF THIS. But it’s not a switch I can just flip!
I share this because I field these questions in my head daily and it’s a struggle. I tirelessly try to find peace within me to cope with the bumps that have been thrown on my path.
Let me be clear in the fact that I am happy with my life. I love Curtis and the time I get to spend with him. I love Olivia and the joy she brings to our home. I have this amazing bonus of getting to live the parenting life half the week and the non-parenting life the other. But sometimes I wonder if it’s enough.
Self-work never ends. There is always something that can be improved upon! So I will carry on and forge my way through the unknown, always vigorously choosing to see the light and Decide Bliss.